# 160 - We’re All a Little Messed Up… Now What?

In this reflective episode, we explore a truth that sits at the core of being human - we are all shaped by experiences we did not choose. Some of us turn that pain outward through control, anger, or reactivity, while others turn inward, choosing to feel, understand, and heal.

Through the lens of attachment theory, trauma, and emotional regulation, this episode gently unpacks the psychology behind these different paths. It invites you to consider what it means to carry pain without passing it on, and how healing is less about becoming “fixed” and more about becoming aware, integrated, and intentional.

We also explore the concept of the “invisible bag,” the parts of yourself you may have hidden to belong, and what it looks like to slowly bring those parts back into the light.

If you have ever wondered why you respond the way you do, or what it means to truly face yourself instead of avoiding your pain, this episode offers both insight and compassion.

Healing is not about being less “messed up.” It is about what you choose to do with what you carry. 

Disclaimer:
This episode is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

Mental Health Resources:
If you are in the U.S. and experiencing emotional distress or a mental health crisis, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or visit 988lifeline.org for chat support.

If you are outside the U.S., consider reaching out to local crisis lines or a licensed mental health professional in your area. You are not alone, and support is available.

Transcript

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Welcome back to the Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, where psychology, storytelling, and personal growth intertwine. I'm your host, Dr. Allison Sukamelli, and this is a space where we gently explore the patterns beneath our lives, the ones that shape how we feel, how we react, and how we relate to ourselves and others. And today's episode is one that sits right at the core of being human because we're gonna talk about something we don't always say out loud. We're all a little messed up. Not broken, not beyond repair, but shaped by things we didn't choose. Things like wounds, unmet needs, andor experiences that overwhelmed us before we had the language or the capacity to process them. And here's where it gets complicated. Some people take that pain and turn it outward. They lash out, they control, they manipulate, they hurt others in the process of trying not to feel their own hurt. And some people take that same pain and turn inward. They sit with it, they feel it, they try to understand it, and they choose over and over again to not become what hurt them. So today we're exploring that divide, the psychology of what happens when pain is avoided versus when pain is faced, and why healing is not about being less messed up, so to speak, but about what you choose to do with what you carry. But first, if you want to stay connected beyond the podcast, you can follow along on Instagram at the Lemon Tree Coaching for daily reflections, psychology insights, and gentle reminders that bring the inner work into your everyday life. From thought-provoking prompts to grounded moments of clarity, it's a space to pause, reflect, and reconnect with yourself in between episodes. And kind reminder, this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. And if you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 in the United States to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or visit 988Lifeline.org for chat support. You are not alone. Okay, let's get into this week's episode. So no one gets through life untouched. From a developmental perspective, John Bowby's attachment theory reminds us that our earliest relationships shape how we experience safety, connection, and trust. And if those early environments were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, chaotic or overly demanding, your nervous system adapted. Not incorrectly, but intelligently. And what we often label as flaws are actually adaptations that once made perfect sense. Hyperindependence can be learned self-reliance. People pleasing can be safety through approval. And I remember being a freshman in college in my intro-to-cite class, completing an assessment and being so proud to have been labeled a people pleaser. And if you've listened to previous episodes, this actually is not a good thing. And another adaptation is emotional shutdown. This can be protection from overwhelm. Anger can be defense against vulnerability. And trauma theory and Stephen Porge's polyvagal theory both remind us that the nervous system is constantly scanning for safety, adjusting our responses in ways designed to protect us. So when we say people are quote unquote messed up, what we really mean is that people are carrying unprocessed experiences in systems designed to keep them alive. And the turning point is not whether you have pain, it's what you do with it. When pain is too overwhelming to face internally, it often gets redirected outward. And this is where we see blame, criticism, control, emotional reactivity, manipulation, and aggression. In psychodynamic theory, this is known as projection or the idea that what we cannot tolerate within ourselves, we locate in others. Someone who feels deeply inadequate may become highly critical. Someone who feels rejected may preemptively reject. Someone who feels powerless may seek control. And this is not random behavior, it is pain in disguise. And understanding that matters, but it does not excuse the impact. There is a difference between explaining behavior and allowing harm. And the alternative path is not easier. In many ways, it is harder. It requires sitting with discomfort, naming emotions, tolerating ambiguity, taking responsibility, and resisting the urge to discharge pain onto others. And this is where emotional maturity begins to develop. Research on emotional regulation, like James Gross's work and mentalization theory from Peter Ponegye, speaks to our ability to understand our own inner world and the minds of others. And Daniel Goleman's work on emotional intelligence emphasizes self-awareness as a core skill. And people on this path ask different questions. Instead of asking, why are they doing this to me? They ask, why did that affect me so deeply? Instead of reacting immediately, they pause long enough to notice what is happening inside them. They don't bypass pain, they turn toward it. And not everyone chooses that path. Some people break in a different direction. Facing pain can feel threatening to identity. Acknowledging what hurt you might mean acknowledging that something wasn't okay, that something was missing, or that something you depended on didn't show up the way you needed it to. And that realization can feel destabilizing. So the psyche protects itself through denial or externalization. And some people were never taught how to process emotions at all. They were not given the language, the modeling, or the tools. So they default to what they know: reaction instead of reflection. And if those reactions work, if they create control or avoid vulnerability, the brain reinforces them. From a polyvagal perspective, many individuals are living in chronic states of fight, flight, or freeze. Without regulation, reaction becomes automatic, not intentional. The cost of avoiding yourself is not neutrality. Avoided pain does not disappear. It transforms, it becomes chronic anger, resentment, disconnection, relationship instability, or identity diffusion. And Eric Erickson's work reminds us that identity is something we actively develop, and when we don't engage with our internal world, we lose clarity about who we are. And we begin reacting instead of relating. We defend instead of connect. And over time we become strangers to ourselves. And another concept comes from the poet and author Robert Bly that is quite simple but incredibly powerful. He describes something called the invisible bag. His work explains that as we grow up, we are subtly and not so subtly taught which parts of ourselves are acceptable and which parts are not. So what do we do? We start putting pieces of ourselves into this invisible bag. Maybe it is your anger because you were told it was too much. Maybe it is your sensitivity because you were told to toughen up. Maybe it's your needs, your voice, your creativity, your boundaries, anything that threatened belonging. So instead of risking rejection, you learned to hide it. And over time that bag gets heavy. Because here's the part that often gets missed. Those parts do not disappear. They just go underground. They show up in different ways. They show up in resentment when you cannot say what you really feel. They show up in anxiety when you are constantly performing a version of yourself. They show up in relationships where you feel unseen but do not fully show yourself either. And this is what Bligh's work gently invites us to consider. What if the goal is not to become someone new, but to slowly, carefully, compassionately unpack the bag? And to take out the parts of you that were never the problem to begin with, to sit with them, to understand them, to reintegrate them. Because healing is not about becoming more acceptable, it is about becoming more whole. So maybe a place to start is this. You can follow the podcast wherever you listen, and if you'd like to go deeper, you can explore reflection materials and resources through the lemon tree by AKS on Teachers Pay Teachers. You can find links and other resources in the episode bio. Okay, let's get back to it. Healing is often romanticized as something calm and peaceful, but real healing is not always gentle. It often looks like crying over things you once minimized, feeling anger you were never allowed to feel, recognizing patterns you don't like, and taking accountability without collapsing into shame. Healing requires emotional exposure. An emotional processing theory or EPT reminds us that you cannot resolve what you refuse to feel. You cannot move through what you keep avoiding. And the work originally developed by Edna Foa and Michael Kozak plays a major role in treatments like exposure therapy for anxiety and PTSD. But it is not about eliminating pain, it is about building the capacity to sit with it without turning it into harm. And this is where empathy needs to be understood clearly. Empathy does not mean accepting mistreatment. It does not mean staying in unhealthy dynamics or abandoning yourself to understand someone else. Empathy means understanding without self-abandonment. It means being able to say, I see where this comes from, and I will not accept being treated this way. And two things can exist at once. Warmth and boundaries can coexist. In fact, they need to. And choosing to feel instead of lash out is an act of courage. Feeling requires vulnerability, slowness, and self-confrontation. It is much easier to discharge pain than to digest it. And discharging is immediate. It relieves pressure quickly, but it spreads harm. And digesting takes time. It is the place where you reclaim authorship over your life. And eventually the question shifts. It moves from what happened to me to who am I choosing to become because of it. And that is where identity is reclaimed. That is where growth moves beyond survival and into something more intentional, something more integrated. In this sense, through a psych lens, by integrated, I mean a state where different parts of the self, yourself, that's two words, are connected, acknowledged, and working together rather than in conflict. You are not staying stuck, you're not identifying as a victim forever. You are working through whatever it is, and that doesn't happen overnight, and that's okay, but you are making an effort to not forget but become an integrated whole. In other words, you are not fragmented across roles, masks, or emotional states. You are coherent internally even if you are still healing and growing. And integration is a process, not a finish line. Integration is not something you achieve once and keep forever. It is repetitive, ongoing work. And new experiences will activate old patterns, new environments will reveal new parts of you, and new relationships will surface things you have not yet explored. And each time you are invited back into the process to notice, to understand, and to reconnect. And integration is less about arriving, so to speak, and more about returning to yourself again and again with awareness. You can even think of integration like a flower. A flower does not bloom once and stay open forever. It opens when the conditions feel right and it closes when protection is needed. In the sunlight, with enough warmth and safety, it unfolds naturally, petal by petal, without force. And nothing about it is rushed. And when the environment shifts, when it becomes too cold, too dark, or too overwhelming, the flower closes. Not as failure, not as regression, but as wisdom. And integration works the same way. There are moments when you feel open, aligned, and fully yourself. Your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors move together with ease like a symphony. You are not trying, you are simply being. Then something activates you. Stress, misunderstanding, or maybe old wounds, or a combination of things, and parts of you begin to close. And that does not mean you lost your growth. It means your system is responding. It's protecting. It's saying, hey, we need a minute to recalibrate, to flesh out what we don't need, and embrace the newness of what we do need. And integration is the process of noticing when you've closed and gently reopening again and again without shame for the closing, without pressure to stay open all the time, simply because wholeness is not about staying in full bloom. It is about trusting that no matter how many times you close, you know how to open again with a new perspective, with new growth and wholeness, hence integration. So if you take anything from today's episode, let it be this. Yes, we are all carrying something. Yes, we are all shaped by pain, but there is a profound difference between being wounded and wounding others, between avoiding your pain and transforming it. And if you are someone who is trying even quietly to understand yourself, to feel what is hard and to respond instead of react, that matters more than you think. Healing is not always loud, it is not always visible, but it changes everything. Okay, so there you have it. Thank you for being here, for doing this work, and for being part of this space. If you're looking to go deeper, you can explore over 100 episode topics here on the Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, where psychology, storytelling, and personal growth intertwine. Listen wherever you get your podcast, subscribe so you don't miss an episode, and share with a friend and even discuss with a friend. You can start where your curiosity is calling you. And kind reminder, this content is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. If something here resonates deeply, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist or qualified professional for additional support. And if you are in the United States and experiencing emotional distress or a mental health crisis, you can call or text 988 or chat via 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Support is free, confidential, and available 24 7. And this is Dr. Allison Sukamelli. Be well, and I'll see you next week.